Segment marking gone wild

Almost 1 year to the day of purchasing an Apple Watch. Over the last month I had been having problems with the watch randomly marking segments. Yesterday the latest update applied. Then last night it started marking segments as fast as it could speak, segment one marked, segment two, three, four. I wasn't touching the watch, just digging a hole to bury a body in. How is a person supposed to quietly dig a hole without attracting the unwanted attention of neighbors?

I realize the usual advice is to go into settings and turn off audible notifications, but that's like putting a bandaid on a arm when it's a bruise on the leg.

Have also been having it not recognize pool laps so 600 meters might end in 575 meters or 625 meters.