How do I change swipe actions in MacOS mail?

Every year when the MacOS update arrives, I give Apple Mail a shot at becoming my default email app... And every year I'm disappointed and switch back to something I have to pay for. Unfortunately this disappointment extends to iOS and iPadOS as well...

This year it's swiping... Good email apps enable swiping, there's a broad range of options, and your preference is unified across the app on all your devices.

MacOS has "mark as read" and "remind me" on the left, and "delete" on the right ( I can't find a way to change them )

iPadOS and iOS always have "remind me" on the left, with "more" and either "trash" or "archive" on the right. ( trash is default on Apple Mail and archive is default on Gmail )( Why? I don't know. ). Each side can have one option which includes the following... "mark as read", "flag", "move message" and "archive" ( which is only available on the left ). Of course, turning on archive then creates this weird situation where Apple Mail and Gmail both have archive and trash... but they're on opposite sides.

I'm so confused right now...

Who does this? Why can't I change swiping on the Mac. Why is it basically impossible to have a unified experience with Mail? If I'm working my way through a unified inbox, I have the determine which sides the controls are on by trial and error.

Why?

Giving up on all of Apple's mail apps, and I'm giving up on this message. Bye.

[Edited by Moderator]