Hey grebch,
Welcome to Apple Support Communities. It looks like you recently reviewed About firmware updates for AirPods which is the best article for the issue you're experiencing. Aside from the steps there, please also make sure that your AirPods are within Bluetooth range of your iPhone and that your iPhone is connected to Wi-Fi as mentioned. Then, use the guidance below which is from the same article.
"To use your iPhone or iPad to check that your AirPods are up to date, make sure that you have the latest version of iOS or iPadOS. Go to Settings > Bluetooth, then tap the Info button
next to the name of your AirPods. Scroll down to the About section to find the firmware version."
If the same continues and you've tried the guidance in that article as it sounds like you have, it would be best to contact Apple Support for more help. You can reach out directly from Get Support.
Take care.